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 Toyota Avensis ( 2008 model ) - The world knows that Toyota make fantastic cars, and this car is probably great - well, depending on what you call “great”. It will no doubt last forever both mechanically and in terms of values. I didn’t like it at all: the ride is smooth but totally unengaging. It feels like there are refugees under the dashboard working the steering, not the driver. On sweeping bends change the above to ‘frightened refugees’. It feels at all times slightly above the proper centre of gravity - reasonably competent, but wooly, quite ‘tinny’ and dull as ditch water.
Toyota Avensis: you know you don’t want to.
Volkswagen Scirocco - This is the new ‘coupe’ from Volkswagen. Apparently. Ever wondered what the front of a Mitsubishi Pajero would look like joined to the rear of a 1992 Colt - along with an Austin Allegro estate inbetween? Well, wonder no more! Volkswagen have certainly reinvented the Coupe concept here. It’s a bit like buying a bin lorry instead of an SUV, really. It’s reported to drive well though, especially in Diesel form. With looks like that, it would want to ...
Volkswagen Scirocco: According to Top Gear it doesn’t drive like a coupe. That’s because it isn’t a coupe.
Volkswagen Passat - Yes, I certainly would ‘Passat’ - in a big hurry! Great car apart from some minor little problems, like the fuel pumps falling off. Don’t you just love that much - vaunted ‘Deutsche Qualitat’? This model does represent something of a leap forward for volkswagen though: the LED tail lights seem to work, so where they failed with the bulb for 70+ years they have now succeeded with LED’s! As for the design, it’s nice ... or will be when they add the detailing ...
 Kia Cee’d - These are a bit pricey but a very nice car. The name conjures an image of a giant seed pod you get into and drive, but hey, John Wayne WAS christened ‘Marion’ after all. Very few cars these days look in any way distinctive, but when I first saw this I asked a question I rarely ask: “What’s that?”
Volkswagen Golf – Driven by bimbo secretaries and surf boys alike, both deluded into thinking that a car with a black hole for an ‘interior’ somehow makes it a cut price Merc! The Golf boys can usually be found chasing a ‘surf’, and of course, the after – surf shower ( cough! ). All that body – hugging spandex and showering … the mind boggles.
Volkswagen Polo: Mightn’t be a Golf but it’s crap. And smaller.
Citroen C-4 – Probably not the best on residuals ( in fact they depreciate in the time it takes to turn the key ), but hats off to our Gallic friends for having the balls to try something different in the style department … well, a little bit different. If you can live with the probable depreciation it sure looks ‘fresh’.
Nissan Tiida – What can one say? The saloon in particular is like an inbred son of a Renault Megane and … a Renault Megane. It is obscenely disgusting in appearance. The owners of these crap-heaps should be fined for public indecency.
Austin Seven Mini – One of the daddys of the small car genre. Has there ever been a small car with as much character? ( No! ). Forget about the latter day BMW toy – the original WAS best, owned by everyone from Rock stars to Royalty – with a few million ordinary punters inbetween. They certainly had flaws, but for character and common sense it still puts forward a convincing case – nearly 50 years on!
Austin Seven Mini: The British marvel kept BMC afloat for years
MG ZT 2.5 V-6: Now this is a man’s car … you can practically smell the beef. My neighbour has one and there’s only one word for it: AWESOME! Pity about the engines though … lovely when they go, but the heads have a habit of taking early retirement. The best car to come out of Britain in a long time … the ‘mini Jaguar’ that never was.
Subaru Impreza ( Non WRX / STi ) The rally – inspired versions go like a rocket: you don’t need me to tell you that. They also feel like the tyres are made of solid rubber on the roads, hence my dislike of ‘sports’ suspensions. The Subes are bullet – proof, and ordinary 1.6 Impreza’s sell for comparatively little second hand. The old Leone was a workhorse of all Asia / Africa … and no surprise. Pity the new one looks a bit horrible.
Audi A4 ( second hand ) – A bastion of middle management, the earlier cars have fallen into the hands of complete idiots who think that BMW service bills mean BMW. A beemer they ain’t. If ever there was a plainer car this side of the Austin Allegro or Opel / Vauxhall Astra, I’d love to see it. For posers on a budget who pretend to be pro. photographers but who are in fact on the dole.
Audi A-4: Boredom and high costs. What more could you want?
Fiat Multipla – What a pity for Fiat. The masters of ‘big car in a small car’ messed up fairly majorly with this one. I’m not sure if Stevie Wonder was head of the design committee, but it just looks like a pig from the front, with those squinty little ‘eyes’ for headlights. Oh, the facelift model? – they grafted on the front of a 1982 Fiat Argenta. Excuse me while I throw up.
Mazda 323 saloon: Horrible car to drive, looks and feels like Grandpa’s old slippers. For terminally depressed geriatrics who are surprised that each day of the week is in fact that day of the week.
Alfa Romeo GTV – Absolutely stunning car. It’s hard to believe that these have been around so long, but they are confirmation if any were needed that Italians really know how to design sportscars. Give me the 1983 model. Give me the ’97. Actually give me the ‘83 model with a rustproofing booth. That engine and body design ... swoon ...
Mercedes CLK – I’m not much of a fan of Merc. Offerings so far this century, but the CLK is one of the better lookers. The base models also have seat ‘fabric’ which looks like something out of a 1970’s school bus. It’s an elegant beast though: in silver you just can’t beat that F-1 ‘Safety car’ image … which no doubt inspired so many to buy them in the early 2000’s.
Audi Q7 - Utterly pointless offering from Audi. A colossal engine in a raised estate car, which is neither a ‘people carrier’ nor a 4x4. Big, ugly and useless ( not to mention expensive ). Anyone who’s dumb enough to buy one should get a voucher for a month’s stay in the Dr. Phil House. More ‘cross - dressing’ than ‘crossover’ vehicle.
Volkswagen Beetle – Like the Mini, forget the latter day ‘retro toy’. The original beetle was so far ahead of it’s time in the late ‘40’s it practically defies belief. Sadly some of the best old examples I’ve seen have been hijacked by ponces ( yuppies to the uninitiated ) some of whom have decided to get the roof cut off. In Ireland?! Anyone who does that to a 1960’s beetle deserves not to reproduce.
Volkswagen Beetle: Hitler got something right!
Nissan Quashqai ( or something like that ) - The horror that rythmes with ‘Squashed eye’. Nissan seem intent on not only designing the most feminine ‘macho’ 4x4’s, but the names now helpfully reflect how crap the design is. This thing is like someone who eats too much in McDonalds. Big, flabby and ugly, with a long trip to ‘Ann Summers’ thrown in. Never since the Daewoo Rexton have I seen such an ugly. Oh, hang on, the Ssang Yong Musso ...
Nissan 300 ZX - This might be going back a bit, but what a car! This has got to be one of the best - if not the best - supercar out of Japan. It even made it to a level of my favourite video game at the time, ‘Chase HQ’. An icon, along with the Honda NSX.
Nissan 300 ZX: Along with the Honda / Acura NSX, Broke the glass ceiling for the Japanese in Supercar territory
Honda Accord ( Acura U.S. ) - The usual cutting edge design from Honda. Honda have a habit of designing cars that are a decade or more ahead of their time. Expensive, but worth it.
Alfa Romeo 156 - this deserves a dual rating, but ultimately falls down on the ‘pants’ side of the arguement. Beautiful Italian styling for sure, if somewhat prone to dents at the sides ( no rubbing strips ). Cheap to buy second - hand, and no wonder. The quality is in the true tradition of Alfa Romeo, sadly: terrible.
Renault Kangoo - like it’s ugly ( but slightly less so ) relative the Citroen Berlingo, this thing looks like ... I don’t know. Like everything majorly traumatic, the ‘styling’ is hard to find words for. At least they must provide entertainment for little kiddies at pedestrian crossings ( “Look! It’s Noddy!” ). Okay, so let’s concentrate on the mechanicals. Or maybe not: it couldn’t pull the skin off a rice pudding. Another ‘Dacia’ in the making!
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